Here’s a short piece on how I’m doing now. The good, the bad, the ugly, all of it is important and part of being vulnerable.
I know that I am only 24 and that I probably have years of my life left to live. Things happen when they are supposed to etc… BUT lately I have been struggling so much with patience. I want the student loans paid off now. I want to have discipline in the way I eat and exercise. I want to cook healthy meals every day for myself and my family. I want to pray daily and feel peace when doing so. I want to create without the struggle and practice. I want long-term love. I want the kids. I want the chickens and garden. Maybe that last one is just me. I want, I want, I want and I want it like yesterday.
I am trying to live one day at a time. To do the little hard things that form habits. I practice being joyful through the struggles. Many of my wants are actually the product of tremendous amounts of strength and discipline. I’m working on these. I know I am being impatient but I’m not seeing progress and I’m annoyed. I am so tired of being weak.
You know what though, I think it’s okay to have these periods of doubt as long as we pick ourselves back up and keep on trucking. I am sharing with you my struggles because I want you to know that you are not alone in your battles. When you are so tired of your own weaknesses I am right there with you. Let’s give ourselves that moment of frustration. I’m not really done being annoyed and frustrated yet. I know that the best thing to do would be to let go of these desires. We can’t force our lives to turn out the way we would like. Letting go of what I cannot control is a process that I am working on but it seems almost harder than forming those habits that I want.
I read a post today by a couple going through a infertility struggle. Her bravery in sharing their struggles is the kind of bravery I would like to emulate. My impatience in life not happening fast enough for me is nothing to the pain their family is working through BUT it doesn’t matter. My feelings are real and valid as well and they are what I have been given to deal with. Sharing your weaknesses brings people together and allows us to love each other for our authentic selves. Listen to what she says about it-
“One of the things I think people are getting better about these days is admitting weakness. What a terrible, inhuman lonesomeness it is to think that you are the only one who has ever experienced a struggle that seems to be entirely consuming your life. That, my friends, is the devil’s playground. It is there, and there most profoundly, that he fosters despair, the ultimate tool by which he keeps us from light, freedom, and God. It is not good for man to be alone. We all of us want to be known, to be seen for what we really are, and to be treasured and loved—especially with all the mess and problems we tug around with us. It’s a lie to say there isn’t muck, and a lie to say you’re okay with it when you’re not. And it doesn’t help you, and it doesn’t help anyone else, either. So wallow in the muck if that’s where you are, and don’t be ashamed of it, either.
But. But. . . .
One day, you will wake up.”
I’m going to give myself one more day of feeling like everything is too much and then I will work on waking up. And you know what, even just writing this post helped me to wake up. Get your own struggles out there. Talk to a friend. Comment on my post and commiserate with me. Let me help you to wake up.